Things I'm Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts
by MinionsOfTheNachoArmyUnite
Summary: Another Dime-A-Dozen story of things you shouldn't do at Hogwarts. Rated for slightly mature themes. R&R!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Hey everyone. this type of story always interested me, so I figured "What the hey?"

this is going to be my second (or third, if you count the one that's on my profile and I typed but was written by my friend.) Multi-Chapter Fic. It's based on the "Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts" avatars. There will be 5 things a chapter.

I'm not sure how often I will update. Sometimes as many times as twice a day. Sometimes as little as once a week. I'll try to at least update once a day(this goes for my other Fic, too.), but I can't promise anything because I don't Know how long this will run, I've found 250 so far, but I don't know if I'll find more later.

**Warnings:** Slightly mature themes, but it shouldn't do into detail or anything.

**Disclaimer:** Nope.

_

* * *

#1- I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate they are "covered in bees."_

"Hey! Cedric! Come over here!" Harry screamed from across the Great Hall.

"Hey Harry. What's up? Seeker business?" Cedric asked. He was confused. He and Harry never really _talked_. Argued about whom was the better seeker (of course, not like a rivalry. That would be Slytherin.), sometimes, but they definitely couldn't be classified as 'close'.

"Oh, no. Just checking something." He then commenced poking him with a spoon.

"Umm… Harry?"

He looked up. "Yes?"

"_What _are you doing?"

"I'm poking you with a spoon! I figured that was obvious!" Harry explained.

"Yes, but why?" Cedric pressed.

Harry didn't answer. Instead he commented "Have you ever noticed you're kinda sparkly?"

Meanwhile, Ron was having a heated discussion regarding the Hufflepuff House colors with Justin Flench-Flenchley.

"What do you mean 'it looks like your covered in bees'?" Justin asked.

"Just what it sounds like." Ron said.

"Why would you say that, though?" he asked.

"Um, hello, your house colors are yellow and black."

Justin thought about that for a moment. "You _do_ have a point there…"

_

* * *

_

#2- No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care Of Magical Creatures class.

Draco Malfoy hated Care of Magical Creatures.

Well, that wasn't completely true. He didn't really mind the class so much as the teacher.

The great oaf wouldn't let them do anything difficult. For the past two years, all they had done was Flobberworms and Blast-Ended Skrewts. And, while the latter was obscenely dangerous, it was hardly likely that he would see them ever again in his life.

He almost wished he didn't pull that stunt in Hagrid's first class.

Almost.

Now, though, he would do anything for something interesting, even-

What most people didn't know was that he actually had some Muggle friends. The last time he met with one of them, they had watched some sort of animal Muggle TV show with an Australian man. He wondered-

"Croikey Mate!" He said in an over-exaggerated Australian accent, and, while it was very good, it was strange coming from the aristocratic mouth.

"What was that?" Hagrid said.

The Muggleborns were laughing. The Purebloods looked confused. The Half-Bloods were just curious as to why Draco Malfy was quoting a Muggle TV program.

_

* * *

_

#3- Growing Marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology."

"Hey guys! You'll never guess what Luna did today!" Ginny was saying to Harry, Ron, and Hermione over dinner.

"Oh God. What now?" Hermione asked.

"She brought 'magic' mushrooms to Herbology." Ginny said in a slightly humored tone.

"WHAT?" Harry and Hermione said in unison.

Ron, on the other hand, looked confused. "What are 'magic' mushrooms?"

Hermione immediately started to explain "They're a Muggle drug. They're also illegal."

"Why would she do that?" Harry asked.

"She claimed it was for 'extra credit'." Gimmy said.

"If it's illegal, then why did she have any?" Ron asked.

"Probably had some extra lying around." Hermione muttered.

Harry laughed at that. "God knows I love Luna, but that _would_ explain a lot."

They all looked at each other for a few minutes, before Ginny broke the silence. "So, do any of you guys want to see if she has any other 'magic' drugs lying around?"

As her and the two boys ran over to Luna, A.K.A- Their new drug dealer, Hermione looked at them with disbelief written upon her face.

_

* * *

_

#4- "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's Name" is not a challenge.

Oliver Wood was glaring at the rest of the Quiddich Team.

"OK, who started it?"

Katie and Angelina were looking at him with confusion written on their face while Fred, George, and Harry were trying to hold back laughter.

"What are you talking about?" Angelina asked.

Oliver rounded on her. "Do you know how many times people have asked if they could 'take a ride on my broom'? And that's not only girls either!"

By now, the entire team was laughing.

"And you're disappointed?" George asked between fits of laughter.

"Yes! And that's not even half of the jokes!" He yelled.

As their laughter got louder, Oliver's glare got stronger.

_

* * *

_

#5- Putting up Doug Henning Pictures in Filch's office is not appropriate

Hermione was grinning like the cat that swallowed the canary.

Harry and Ron were appropriately scared.

"Hermione," Harry asked delicately, "What's up?"

Her smile grew wider, "Filch gave me a detention."

Ron looked surprised, "And your _happy_ about that."

Hermione raised her eyebrows, "Of course not!"

"Then why are you smiling?" Ron countered.

"Because" she started, "I-"

Then, she was cut of by Filch "THEY KNOW I'M A SQUIB!"

Ron and Harry turned to Hermione, "What did you do?" they said in unison.

"Oh, nothing…" she said while examining her nails, "I just hung Doug Henning posters on every available inch of his office."

Harry started laughing. Ron just looked confused.

* * *

Just FYI, Doug Henning is a Canadian Magician. I only mention this because I had no idea and had to Google it.

What do you think?

Should I continue?

Review!

Thanks!


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** You ask, I give. This is the second chapter. Personally, I'm not crazy about it, but, then again, I wasn't crazy about 5-10 of the avatars, so it kinda all evens out.

I'll probably update tommorow, buy I may be shopping.

On a side note, I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving!

**Warnings:** Slightly mature themes. It's a tad graphic, but I don't think it merits a M rating.

**Disclaimer:** _Insert your own creative senerio of how I DON'T own Harry Potter. _

_

* * *

_

#6- I will not go to class skyclad.

"Mr. Weasley! What are you doing?" Snape asked in a obviously annoyed voice.

"Well, sir, me and my twin have decided to attend our classes skyclad!" Fred said. Or George. Who knew anymore, anyway?

"Of course. Why?" Snape asked.

"Because," the second completely nude twin said after appearing in supposedly thin air "We've transferred religions!"

"_To what?_" Snape asked. Today was _not _his day.

"We're Wiccans now!" They said in unison while winking at random girls. They, in turn, looked completely disgusted.

"Why?"

"It's commonly associated with Witchcraft." Twin One explained. Really, how did Molly do it, Snape wondered.

"Fine, but why are you in my classroom naked?" Snape asked.

"Oh," Twin Two started, "You see, sir, Wiccans traditionally perform their Witchcraft Skyclad, or in the nude. Really, sir, all we're doing is being true to our faith."

Snape, completely surprising everyone, just shrugged and said, "Carry on, then."

This, although he didn't know it yet, would spur all kinds of rumors over the next few weeks, the top place going to: 'Well, actually, he's secretly gay, and really liked being able to see naked twins for an hour.'

This, of course, wasn't true. The real reason he didn't give the twins punishments was simply because he didn't want to sit a detention with them tonight, And, hey, they would get enough punishment from the other Professors…

_Starting with McGonagall…_

_

* * *

_

#7- The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

"Mr. Potter! You must meet with your partner so you can start the Ball!" McGonagall exclaimed.

"What? Why?" Harry asked, slightly panicking.

"Well, you see Mr. Potter, it is traditionally the Champions with their partners who take place in the First Dance of the night." McGonagall.

Harry now looked sheepish, "Well, Professor, I wish you mentioned that before…"

"Why?"

"Well, you see, Minnie-"

"Wait a second, did you just call me 'Minnie'?" McGonagall asked.

"Yes…" Harry said in a tone that made it seem that everyone called her that on a daily basis. Which they probably did, just not to her face.

She looked at him for a moment, before saying "Never mind. What's the problem?"

"Well, I couldn't actually get a date in time-" Harry started.

McGonagall cut him off "YOU DON'T HAVE A DATE?" She screamed.

"No, no, of course I have a date!" Harry continued, "She just can't dance! Or he can't dance, I'm not exactly sure…" He trailed off.

"Mr. Potter, who did you ask?" She asked him, not exactly sure she wanted to know.

"The Giant Squid." He said it as if it were obvious, but at least had the decency to look embarrassed.

"Oh." She said, and walked away.

However she could be heard throughout the night muttering things along the lines of '_The Giant Squid. What was he thinking?'_ and_ 'Kids these days, in _my_ day…"_

_

* * *

_

#8- I will not use Umbridge's quill to write 'told you I was hardcore.'

"Oh, no, Harry, not again!"

"What?" Harry asked.

He was sporting another scar on the back of his hand. Except, this time, he wasn't trying to hide it. In fact, he seemed to be almost proud of it.

"How did Umbridge get you again?" Hermione asked. Just as with last time, she wasn't about to let this go.

"Oh. She didn't." Harry said as if it explained everything.

"Then why is your hand all bloody?"

"It was Neville." Harry said.

"WHAT?" She yelled.

"Yeah. After all year in the DA and what with the Department of Mysteries, he asked me to write- wait you haven't read it yet, have you?" Harry asked.

'No."

"Look!" Harry said, and shoved his hand in her face.

"'Told you I was hardcore.' That's awful!" Hermione concluded.

"No, it isn't. Besides, Ron got it, too. And, the best part, we tricked Malfoy into writing it!"

Hermione glared at him.

"Anyway, he asked me to write it, and I was only too happy to oblige. It was the least I could do."

_

* * *

_

#9- I will stop referring to showering as 'giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful.'

"Hey, Potter? Where are you going?" Malfoy asked as Harry as he passed by the Slytherin table.

"Why?" He asked back.

"I was just curious. Jeez." Malfoy said.

"Going to take a shower…" Harry said, already regretting answering the question.

"Oh. So you like giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful, then?" Malfoy snickered.

"What?"

"Do you like making Myrtle Moan?" he continued.

"Of course not!" Harry concluded.

"Riiight…" Malfoy said, obviously not believing it.

"OK, then, I'm leaving now."

And he did, presumably to take a shower. But, the next day in Potions, Draco Malfoy could smell the distinct stench of B.O. coming from Harry's direction.

_

* * *

_

#10- polishing my wand in the Common Room is acceptable. 'Polishing my wand' in the Common Room is not.

"Hey, Hermione! Whatcha doin'?" Ron asked.

"Polishing my wand." She said distractedly.

"Hey, that's not a bad idea. I think I'll do that, too."

"'Kay." She said.

She did, however, notice when he started to unzip his fly.

"_What_ are you doing?" She asked.

"Umm… Polishing my wand?" He said.

When realization dawned on her face, she exclaimed, "That is_ not_ appropriate!"

Ron smirked.

* * *

Thoughts?

Review!


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Hey everyone! Did anyone go shopping this morning? I didn't. Hate crowds.

I forgot to mention in the previous chapter that the thing with Neville is what I think would have happened if Sirius didn't die and was pardoned, because I think Neville would have played a big part of that.

I would also like to mention that I love Snape, he's one of my fave characters, but he's just so fun to bash! And he's practically asking for it, the way he acts.

Also, if you are a reader of my other multi-chapter fic, I'm taking a day off from that today, simply because I'm lazy and don't know what to write about. I'll have another chapter up tommorow. I might put another chapter of this up later today, too, but I'm not making any promises.

**Warnings:** More slightly mature content, but I still don't hink it requires an M. If you do, just drop a message by to let me know, and I'll up the rating. Also, #13 has MAJOR spoilers for the third book/movie, if you've never read/saw, but I figure everyone has if their reading FanFic about it, but one never knows...

**Disclaimer: **Yes. I own everything. NOTE THE SARCASM??? OF COURSE I DON'T OWN! Jeez...

* * *

_#11- If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw the Dark Mark on their arm._

"I'm so bored!" Harry Potter whisper-shouted half way through History of Magic to Ron.

Professor Binns was rambling on yet again about the horrors of Goblin Rebellion and _blah, blah, blah…_

"Mate, you could always take Malfoy's approach." Ron said half-jokingly.

Malfoy was sleeping soundly on the other side of the room. Unfortunately for him, however, his left arm was hanging over the side of his desk in a rather inspiring way for Mr. Potter.

"That's it!" Harry said.

"What's it? Say what you want about Binns, Harry, but your sitting right in his line of vision. He'll probably notice if you fall asleep!"

"You sound like Hermione." To that, said girl turned around in her seat to glare, but he continued anyway, "And you know he won't, but that's not what I meant."

"Then… What did you mean?" Ron asked, confusion lacing his words.

"Watch." He said simply, and commenced to slither to the other side of the room where the Slyherins sat.

Once he got there, he used his until now unknown artistic skills to draw the Dark Mark on Draco's arm.

"Perfect." He muttered quietly when he was finally done. Mow all he had to do was wait…

Luckily for him, he didn't have to wait long. About ten minutes later, class ended and, with the bell, Draco Malfoy awoke from his slumber and looked down at his arm distractedly. It was then that he screamed in horror.

"AHHHH! WHO DID THIS TO ME?"

When Harry told Ron exactly what he did, Ron laughed, but in between fits of laughter, he asked him, "How long is it supposed to last?"

"Uh oh." Harry responded.

Because, what he had forgot to do before he started drawing was exchange quills.

For History of Magic, he only used unerasable, unfadable ink…

"Oops." Was his only response.

* * *

_#12- House elves are not good replacements for Bludgers._

"_What are you doing?"_ Hermione screamed in a dangerous tone that just screamed 'I –Am-Going-To-Kill-You-Slowly-And-Painfully-In-Your-Sleep-With-A-Spoon,' to her supposedly best friend, Harry Potter.

"Oh, hey Hermione." Replied The Boy-Who-Has-Lived-Up-To-This-Point-But-Might-Not-For-Very-Much-Longer-If-His-'Best-Friend'-Had-Her-Way.

They were both currently standing on the Quidditch Pitch with the rest of the Gryffindor team.

"I thought you were a member of S.P.E.W.!" Hermione exclaimed as you could hear a faint, but shrill, scream coming from somewhere overhead.

"I am." Harry replied a bit uncomfortably.

"Then_ why _are you using House Elves as Bludgers?" She screamed, presumably rhetorically.

Harry answered her question anyway. "The school won't let us use the regular ones!" Harry said as if that explained everything.

"Don't you think they would get hurt?" Hermione asked.

"Of course they wouldn't! We put long-lasting shield charms around them! We're not that stupid!" at the last comment, Hermione put a look on that said quite clearly 'Yes, you are.'

"Bersides," Harry continued, "They don't mind-"

"OF COURSE THEY MIND! THEY JUST WON'T SAY ANYTHING BECAUSE THEY'RE BLOODY HOUSE ELVES AND THEY'LL DO WHATEVER YOU BLOODY WELL SAY!" At that, she ordered the house elves to come down and return with her back to the Kitchens.

All Harry did was mutter 'Fun Sucker' under his breath.

* * *

_#13- Starting a betting pool on the Fates of this Years Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept._

"Bets here! Place your bets here!" One of the Weasley Twins was screaming. It was the first day of their Fifth Year, Harry, Ron, and Hermione's Third.

"What do you mean 'bets'?" Hermione exclaimed.

"Oh. Fred here," Presumably-Fred said while pointing to Presumably-George, because, if there was one thing the Twins like doing is confusing people over who they really were. "Thought it would be fun to start a betting pool over the fate of our new D.A.D.A. Professor because, really, they never last more than a year."

"Yeah." Presumably-George continued, "Anyone who has been here for over a year knows that."

"So, we figured 'Hey, we can make money off of that.'" Presumably-Fred said.

"Because no one's actually going to guess correctly, anyway. I mean, who would have guessed Quirrel would die because You-Know-Who was on the back of his head and Lockhart would end up in Saint Mungo's because of an 'Obliviate' gone wrong." Said Presumably-George.

"So we did." They said together.

Hermione just stared at them for a few moments, until she finally said, "No matter what I say, no matter how tasteless and tacky I think this is, nothing I say is going to change your mind. So-just- Ugh… Carry on."

We're getting that a lot… they both thought as Neville walked up to them, probably to place a bet.

And as Hermione left she could hear the twins arguing with Neville:

"We're sorry, but we can't let you blow your life savings on something as random as 'Professor Lupin is actually secretly a werewolf, which will be announced at breakfast by Professor Snape after Sirius Black is captured by them. However, he is actually innocent, and the real criminal is Peter Pettigrew, who is still alive and is disguising himself as Ron's rat. Unfortunately, they both escape because the night was a full moon and Lupin transformed on their way back to the castle.' It's just too strange! We like you too much to let you do that."

"But I saw it during a summer Divination prep class my Gran was making me take!"

"Fine, but don't blame us when you don't have any money for Hogsmede Weekends…"

In June, Neville was the richest kid in school.

* * *

_#14- I will not start every Potions Class by asking Professor Snape if today's Project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant._

"Professor?" Hermione asked. She couldn't believe she had taken up Harry's stupid dare.

"Yes, Miss Granger?" He asked.

"I was just wondering-"

At this, she was cut off by gasps and stares. Hermione Granger never wondered. She knew! The only one who wasn't staring were Harry and Ron, who were trying simply not to burst out laughing.

"Yes, Miss Granger?" Snape was obviously curious, too. It was a rare occurrence when she didn't know anything.

"Well…"

"Spit it out!" Snape finally shouted.

"Is today's project suitable for use as a sexual lubricant?" She asked and pinked immediately.

As Snape paled considerably, which was quite a feat for his already pale skin, Harry, Ron, and the rest of the class, excluding Hermione, burst out laughing.

"Detention, Miss Granger." He said in a calm tone.

This, of course, spurred even more rumors for both Snape and Hermione- 'Well, he isn't really gay after all, and wanted to test out if it was suitable with Hermione…"

This, of course, didn't really phase Snape, as he could care less about what the students were saying about him, he had bigger fish to fry as they say.

Hermione, on the other hand, was a different story. She couldn't get any dates because nobody wanted to be with someone who had 'been' with Professor Snape.

Oooh, she was going to kill Harry.

* * *

_#15- 'Liften Separatis Crotchum' is not a real spell._

"George Weasley!" Minerva McGonagall shouted at the sixth-year.

"Yes?" Said member of the Weasley twins asked, feigning innocence.

"What spell did you use on Angelina Johnson?" She asked him.

"Liften Seperatis Crotchum." He said.

McGonagall stared at him for a moment. "Despite that not even being a real spell, that is completely inappropriate!"

"Well, actually, Nervy-"

"Did you just call me 'Nervy'? Nevermind." She had had it with all of her supposed nicknames the students had given her. "Carry on."

"Well, it is a real spell, just not for what I intended it for."

"Well?"

"Well what?" George asked.

"What _does_ it do?" She asked.

"Oh. It catches your hair on fire." He said in a tone that was way too cheerful to be innocent.

"Oh." She said, and walked away. She didn't have time for this.

* * *

Thoughts?

Should I continue (I will, but that's always good for a few reviews.)

Review!

Thanks!


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **Hey everyone. I decided to publish another chapter tonight.

OK, I'm going to mention this here because I know someone's going to complain if I don't- I know originally when they said 'after me lucky charms' they meant good-luck charms, but whenever I see this avvie this scene is all that pops into my head, so that's what I put down. You don't like it, tough. This is my FanFic, write your own if you want something different.

Also, I have hired Draco Malfoy and our favorite Potions Master Severus Snape as my personal punching-bags. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Slytherins. In fact, it's my favorite house with (most of) my favorite characters. But it's also just so _fun_ to torment them!

Neville has also been personally elected by me to be unbearably awesome. What? I can't help it! He's just such a non-obvious character to write pranks about and really fun to write about in general.

I also will try to bring the Marauders, and, _maybe_ Next Gen within the next few chapters. But probably not the latter. It's not that I don't like them, just I don't know a lot about them, other then from other FanFics. The Marauders I would have braught them in already except for one simple reason: I forgot. And, now, I'm not exactly sure how to incorperate them. But I will, eventually...

Oh, and there isn't actually any timeline to this story. Pretty much random snippets unless something previously mentioned is mentioned again. Then, obviously, it will happen after the previous thing. Basically, just squeeze anything into where it would fit. It's also pretty much AU in that no one dies, I'm even going to try to keep Lilly and James Sr. alive if I can, they just won't be mentioned very often. Also, unless specifically mentioned, in my head most of this will probably be going on after the second book/movie simply because I wasn't crazy about the first two. But, hey, whatever floats your boat.

Thanks to everyone who has Reviewed/Faved/Added me so far!

Now enough of my obscenely long rambling and onto legal mumbo-jumbo!

**Warnings:** Nothing really in this chapter. Kinda boring... Oh! Wait! OOC-ness on Snape's part in #20, but it's just for extra awkwardness.

**Disclaimer:** No. Just no.

_

* * *

# 16- I will not claim Chick Tracts are an accurate presentation of Muggle life._

"Hey Malfoy!" Harry Potter said in a voice that was _way _too cheerful than one would usually use to be getting his nemeses attention.

"What do you want, Potter?" aforementioned heir to the Malfoy fortune replied back, making sure to get as much mirth into those five words as possible.

"I heard you have to take Muggle Studies now!" Harry said back.

"Yeah, all thanks to _you!"_ he said.

"Me? Whatever do you mean?" Harry said, playing dumb.

"I know it was you that drew _that_ on me during History Of Magic! And don't say you didn't, who else would?"

"OK, OK, fine, I did, but you don't have any evidence, it's not like I'm going to admit that in front of any Professors, and do you honestly thing Good Old Dumbly will waste precious Veritaserum on me?"

Draco thought about that for a moment. "You're right about that. So, what do you want?"

"Well, considering this is entirely my fault," Harry said as if he was making a great sacrifice even being here.

Draco snorted.

"I thought I could help you with Muggle Studies."

"And why would I want help from _you?"_ Draco asked.

"Because I was raised by Muggles, so that does mean I know a thing or two about them. And, besides, what's the worst that could happen?" Harry asked.

"I could fail." Malfoy responded shortly.

"That you could. But, hey, why the Hell not, right?" Harry said enthusiastically, _too_ enthusiastically.

Malfoy, however, didn't notice, "Fine. When do you want to study?"

"Oh, we won't be studying." Harry replied in a tone of voice that teenage boys would normally use to suggest doing something naughty, but now was just being used to suggest mischief.

"Then, what will we be doing?" Malfoy said warily. He had obviously thaken the tone of voice to mean the former and was feeling very awkward.

"What do you mean- Ew! No! That's disgusting! I _so_ don't roll that way!" Harry started, "What I mean is- _I_ won't be studying with you."

"Not the Mudblood!" Draco immediately exclaimed.

Harry glared. "No. Not Hermione, either. I'm just going to give you some books, and your going to read them. They basically outline typical Muggle lifestyle."

Harry handed him the books and Draco grudgingly took them. "Fine." He said, and then left.

Hermione, who had been watching the interaction from a distance, then walked up to Harry. "OK, so what did you give him?" she asked.

Harry, completely unfazed, replied, "Chick Tracts."

Hermione just looked at him "You do know he's going to fail, right?"

"Would I have it any other way?"

_

* * *

_

#17- Seamus Finnegan is not 'after me Lucky Charms.'

"Hey, Harry, could you pass the cereal?" Seamus asked from across the table.

Once Harry finished pouring his cereal, he started handing the box to him.

But, unfortunately, Ron intercepted it halfway through.

"Ron, pass the cereal to Seamus." Harry said in a long-suffering tone.

"No." Ron said with a stubbornness that could compete with any three-year-old.

Harry sighed and said, "Why?"

"Because he's after them!" Ron exclaimed.

"Of course he is, Ron, he wants to eat breakfast." Harry said.

"_No,"_ Ron said, "He's _after them!_"

"After _what,_ Ron?" he asked after shooting him a questioning stare.

"Me Lucky Charms!" He said.

At that, he took another, closer, look at the box in Ron's hands. Sure enough, across the top was written 'Lucky Charms Cereal.'

At that, Harry plucked back the box and made sure it got no where near Ron on it's way to Seamus.

_

* * *

_

#18 & #19- I will not refer to the Weasley or Patil Twins as 'bookends.'

As Pavarti and Padma Patil walked by together, all they could hear from their peers were things along the lines of: "Hey bookends!" and, "What's up, bookends?"

Needless to say, it was driving them nuts.

But they got a better deal then the Weasley's. At least they got a break from it in their Common Rooms. The Weasley twins weren't so lucky. And, it had been going on for them longer, almost a month now. For them, it had only been about two weeks.

Of course, both sets of twins knew who started it. They weren't stupid. Heck, one was even in Ravenclaw!

"Harry!" they all cornered him in the Gryffindor Common Room.

"'Sup, Bookends?" he replied.

"Just that!" Padma replied, "We know you're the one who started the whole 'bookend' thing!"

"Yeah," George, We Think, replied, "You know we're always up for a good prank, but this is just annoying!"

"Listen, guys, as funny as I find it, I didn't start that!" Harry replied.

"Oh, yeah?" Pavarti retorted, "Well, if you didn't, who did?"

As Harry received his verbal beating, Neville silently laughed in the corner.

_Serves them right for pranking me…_

* * *

_#20- I will not call the Defense Against The Dark Arts Teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak._

"Now, first issue of today's staff meeting," Umbridge began, pointedly ignoring the glares being sent her way, "Why are all the students referring to me as 'Kenny'?"

At that, the entire table looked at her, bewildered.

Except, surprisingly, Snape. He was laughing.

Despite surprising everyone else even more, Umbridge just turned to him and asked, "Care to share, Professor?"

"Well, it might have something to do with the fact that you insist on wearing that horrid orange jacket everywhere!" He started laughing even harder.

Needless to say, this was a _very_ awkward moment for everyone else in the room.

When he finally composed himself enough to answer her, he said, "'Kenny' is a character from an American Muggle TV Program."

More laughter. Even more awkwardness (which was until now believed not to be humanely possible than if you were in a room where _Snape_ was actually _laughing. _What was this, The Twilight Zone?). As well as that, there were shocked gasps at hearing the _Head of Slytherin _watching_ Muggle TV._ But, anything was possible, seeing as Draco Malfoy actually had Muggle friends…

"He tends to die a lot." The strange sight that was presumably Professor Snape said between fits of giggles.

"What is this Television Show you speak of?" Umbridge asked, completely ignoring the tense atmosphere of the room.

"South Park." Snape said simply, afterwards continuing his uncharacteristic laughing fit.

That night, all of the Professors who were in attendance of the usually dull staff meetings and also some students who had gotten wind of the strange occurrence all went out and bought this Muggle show. And were shocked to find that it was actually a comedy show, and a rather dirty one at that…

This, of course, only served to spur more rumors.

* * *

Soo... Thoughts?

Yeah, I'm Horriable to My faves (I don't even want to know what I'm going to do to Sirius.)

Review!

Thanks!


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: **Hey everyone. New chappie.

To those of you who are reading my other story, I'm taking another day off from it. I seem to be having writers block, but only on that plot.

More Snape-bashing, Neville-awesomeness, and, new to the plotline, Sirius-bashing. I know, I know, he never really struck me as stupid, but, hey, it fit the rule. Also, I didn't really bash Malfoy, in fact, I kinda made him cool, IMHO.

Marauders Era have been brought in during this chapter, as well as a never-dead James.

OK, I'm not crazy about the Tonks/Lupin ship, so it might not be all too great. Also, I _know_ Tonks is technacally a Black on her mothers side, but it was just _soo_ perfect (in my head, anyway...)

Oh, yeah, and, from now on, I will not do these in order. Just because I kept hitting roadblocks with going though them like that. so, now, I will be doing them pretty much completely random, but will try to eventually get to all of them.

**Warnings: **implied fake!slash, and also fake!boy-on-boy action (if you count making out action.)

**Disclaimer: **Uh uh.

_

* * *

_

#21- asking "how do you keep a Gryffindor on suspense?" and then walking away is only funny the first time.

"Why, hello, Snivellus!" Sirius Black said while walking over to a young Severus Snape.

"What do you want, Black?" He answered back.

"Oh, nothing, nothing…" He said in a tone of voice that suggested that this was most definitely _not_ nothing.

Now, Snape, being moderately intelligent for his thirteen years, knew he had to act quickly if he didn't want to be hung upside-down from a tree, so he said:

"Hey, Black, how do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?"

Hardly his best tactic, but it seemed to work, because Sirius stopped short, and asked back, "How?"

Snape simply turned and walked away.

"Hey, wait, how _do_ you keep a Gryffindor in suspense? I want to know, so I can avoid it!" Sirius said.

It took all of Snape's willpower to not burst out laughing right then and there.

Later, he met up with Lily. She started her conversation by asking him, "_Why_ on Earth did you have to ask him that? Do you know I can't even go into the Common Room without him asking me that Goddamned question?"

"So, the answer still hasn't occurred to him. I thought he was stupid, but not _that_ stupid! He followed me around all morning, too, until I lost him." Snape said. "So, has he asked anyone other than you and me?"

"He asked Remus, but after he explained _why_ he was asking, he seemed to be on your side and asked me why he has such stupid friends."

By now, Snape was laughing.

"Hey, it's not funny! Well, maybe it was funny the first time, but not anymore!" Lily shouted.

Snape just laughed harder.

* * *

_#22- Sir Cadogan is not one of the Nights Who Say 'NI'_

"Mr. Weasley," McGonagall started, staring intently at Ron. She had had it up to _here_ with them. "Are you behind Sir Cadogan asking for shrubberies?"

"Asking for _what?"_ Ron said with a surprised look on his face. Apparently not, then.

"Shrubberies." McGonagall said, "It's basically a small tree-like plant."

"Why is he asking for tree-like plants?" Ron asked. McGonagall soon realized interrogating him was doing more harm then good.

"_I don't know,"_ McGonagall said, "That's why I'm asking you."

"Oh," Ron said, "Well, I don't know either."

"_I noticed." _McGonagall muttered. But said, "Some of the Muggleborns said that he is pretending to be one of the 'Nights who say "NI"'."

"The nights who say _what?"_

"The nights who say 'Ni'." She said. _Definitely_ more harm then good. "Apparently it's from some old Muggle TV show called 'Monty Python.'"

"Oh! I've heard of that! Fed and George _love_ it!" Ron said.

At that, she stormed out of the room to find Said Twins. She made sure to, while passing Sir Cadogan, ignore his cries of "NI! NI! You there! Fetch me a shrubbery! NI!"

When she reached them, all she said was, "Are _you _behind this?" she asked as if implying they were behind mass Death Eater attacks.

All Fred and George did was ask, "Who told you?"

_

* * *

_

#23- It is especially tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that, 'Once you go Black, you never to back'

Harry was watching his Ex-Professor fight with Sirius' coolest relative, Nymphadora Tonks.

"What do you think they're arguing about?" Ron asked.

"Isn't it obvious?"

Both boys looked at her bewildered. "No." they said in unison.

"She wants to go out with him!" Hermione shout-whispered. Luckily, the 'shout' part of the shout-whisper wasn't loud enough to get their attention.

"Ooh." Harry and Ron said.

"Well, they _do _make a cute couple." Ron said.

"Yeah, they do. Hey, do you think we could set them up?" Harry asked.

"Fine. But _how?"_ Hermione asked.

"I have an idea." Neville said, popping in out of nowhere.

"Really? What is it?" Harry asked.

Neville told them his plan.

"OK. Then who wants to do it?" Hermione asked.

"I will." Neville said, surprising everyone.

"I'll be the one he's least expecting." He explained.

"Your right." Harry said. "Well, go on."

Neville summoned up all his Gryffindor courage, walked right up to Lupin and said, "You know, Professor, I completely understand why you won't date her."

Lupin looked surprised by this. "What?" He asked.

"Yeah. I mean, once you go Black, you can never go back."

"Huh?" He asked back dumbly.

"Oh, come on, Professor," Neville concluded that this was _not_ as easy as he originally thought, but continued anyway. "We all know what happens between you and Sirius on weekends!"

Lupin just looked at a loss for words until finally he said to no one, not even Neville, in particular, "What are you implying?"

Tonks had a knowing smirk on her face, not because she actually _knew_ anything, per se, just to keep up with the act. She was also shooting glances at Neville that could not mean anything but 'thank-you'.

Remus and Tonks were married by the end of term.

_

* * *

_

#24- I will stop charming Professor Snape's robes bright purple (or any color for that matter.)

Professor Snape was _not_ happy.

Whenever he entered a room, his robes would change colors.

Of course, he didn't know this when he got dressed in the morning. _Oh no._ Because, it seemed, the robes would change color according to whichever room he entered. And, of course, the room that changed them black was his personal quarters.

His Potions classroom was coordinated with purple. _Bright_ purple. The Great Hall was pink. He needed to talk to Flitwick yesterday, and what color should appear but neon orange?

When he found out who was behind this, they would _pay…_

He didn't have to wait long, because, soon enough, the Seventh Year potions class filed in, and who would be there but Fred and George Weasley?

_Of course, _he thought, _who else would it be?_

Unfortunately, he underestimated the maturity level of Sirius Black and James Potter.

"He didn't even consider us!" Sirius exclaimed.

"I know!" James replied, "Old Snapey's getting soft!"

_

* * *

_

#25- I will not Polyjuice myself and a friend to look like Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, then give each other passionate kisses in public.

"Ready Pansy?" Draco asked.

"Ready, Draco." Pansy answered.

"Bottoms up." Draco replied.

Then they drank the Polyjuice Potion. Harry Potter was going to _pay._ He was _supposed_ to make sure he didn't fail Muggle Studies, but instead, he went out of his way to do just that!

"Ugh, you look horrible!" Pansy said.

"As do you." Draco said.

"Hey!"

"Don't worry, your supposed to, remember? Your supposed to look like Weasley."

Yes, Ron didn't really do anything, but as long as he was getting back at Potter, why not embarrass his best friend in the process?

"Oh, I knew that! But, really, you didn't have to say that!" Pansy exclaimed.

"Whatever. We only have an hour, and I want to do as much damage as possible to their reputation."

"Kay." She said, and they were off.

So, for the next hour, they went around the school, making sure to stay out of Potter, Weasley, and the Mudblood's way, and giving each other passionate kisses whenever there was a large crowd anywhere nearby.

When the hour was up, they simply hightailed it back down to the Slytherin Common Room and waited for everything to fold out…

And fold out it did. Everyone believed them to be gay now, obviously, although no one would say it to their face, so they were properly confused when they were sitting together and everyone gave them strange looks…

_Revenge is sweet, _Draco thought to himself.

* * *

Thoughts?

Review!

Thanks!


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:** Bonjour. Document manager won't let me get off italic, and it's really bugging me, so I'm going to try to make this short.

More Marauder's era Sirius-bashing, Malfoy-Bashing, and Snape-bashing all around. No Neville, sadly (I forgot.), but a moderatly!awesome Cedric is here instead. Oh, yeah, and Snape's indefferent/cool in this chapter also.

Sorry I haven't updated in a few days, but I was having Writer's block. Sorry.

Oh, and I'm counting these differently. Again. I'm now counting them in order of how I write them because I'm now copying from more than one list. If I copy one by mistake in later chapter, just let me know

**Warning:** Bumped it up to M, it was getting pretty nasty and someone said I should. So, I'm trusting the random person that reviewed this (and all my other stories) to decide, because I'm too lazy to figure out if I should or not myself. In this chappie there is adult situations and 'crude Muggle sayings ('that's what she said')'.

**Disclaimer:** Nope.

* * *

#26-

Robes are appropriate school wear. Bathrobes are not.

"What religion are you now?" Snape said automatically as both twins walked into his room wearing pink, fluffy bathrobes with bunny slippers.

"Religion?" One asked.

"Whatever do you mean, dear Professor?" asked the other.

"Whenever you decide to show up in my classroom in anything but robes, I automatically assume you've converted." Snape replied easily.

"But we _are _wearing robes!" said the First.

"I mean school robes, not bathrobes!" Snape said.

"Wait," Second said, "You actually _get_ this!"

"Of course I do!" Snape responded, "I'm not stupid, you know."

"But, their so, _Muggle."_ First said, looking at Snape in a new light.

Snape just shrugged and said "Make sure Nervy doesn't catch you."

The Twins stared at Snape in awe.

_

* * *

_

#27- 'To conquer the world with an army of flying monkeys' is not an appropriate career choice

"Sirius, I see you want to-" McGonogall started, but stopped when she actually _read _what Young Sirius Black had actually decided to do with his life.

"'Conquer the world with an army of flying monkeys'? Yeah. It's ambitious, creative, and interesting!" He finished for her, explaining why he had chosen this bizarre career path.

"But, an army of flying monkeys?" She questioned.

"Why, of course! What else would I conquer the world with?" He asked, as if everyone else in his Year, as well as all the Years' prior, had put the exact same thing.

"What, indeed." She said, but it did not seem like she was agreeing with him, but a more, 'What-Is-His-Head-Filled-With-If-Not-Brains?-Mashed-Potatoes?-How-Could-_That_-Support-Life?' What.

Unfortunately, Sirius could not recognize the difference.

"Wonderful! I'm glad we can agree!" He said, and got up to leave.

_It's just not worth it, _she thought.

_

* * *

_

#28- I am not to tell Draco that I know all about his affair with Hermione Granger.

"Hello, Malfoy." Cedric Diggory said as he sat down next to him at the Slytherin table.

"Diggory." He responded. Although he didn't like Hufflepuff House, Cedric was a Pureblood, and needed to be treated as such.

Cedric didn't agree.

"I just wanted to know how your girlfriend was doing." He said to Draco.

"What? Pansy? She's right over there, ask her yourself." Draco said back.

"Draco, Draco, Draco. We both know that's not what I mean." Cedric said.

Draco was baffled. "No, we don't. What _do_ you mean?"

"I know all about your affair with Hermione Granger." He said. That effectively shut up the Slytherin table, which effectively shut up the Ravenclaws, which effectively shut up everyone else.

Draco was paler then he ever had been, which was a feat in and of itself. "What do you mean?"

"Oh, you know _exactly _what I mean." Cedric said. He was enjoying making Malfoy squirm _way_ too much.

Unfortunately, his abrupt halt when Draco dropped the stupid act and whispered, but somehow loud enough so everyone in the Great Hall heard him, "How did you find out?"

This earned a shriek from Pansy, a bang from the Gryffindor table, presumably Ron, since he just found out his girlfriend was cheating on him with his arch-nemesis, and a whiplash from Cedric.

"What?" He said disbelievingly.

"_How did you find out?" _Malfoy said in a dangerously low tone.

"I- But- but-" Cedric babbled.

"_But what?" _Draco said in the same tone of voice. Needless to say, he was pissed.

"But it was a joke! I was kidding! I didn't think you were _actually _having an affair!"

"Oh." Malfoy said. There was no doubt in Cedric's mind that if it were an any less serious or secretive matter, he would have said, 'My father will hear about this!' But, no, his father would _not _hear about this, if he had anything to say.

As he arrived back at the Hufflepuff table, cedric simply said, "Well, that backfired trimendously."

_

* * *

_

#29- Professor Snape's problem is not that 'he needs to get laid'.

Potter and Weasley were speaking in his class again, and he would have none of it. He dealt with it when the war was going on, but he refused to anymore.

Casting a quick "_Sonorus" _in their direction, he could hear their entire conversation.

"Really, what's his problem?" Harry asked.

"He's always been bitter like that. Once I heard mom say that he just needed to get laid, and I agree. I mean, when was the last time he had sex, 1984?"

The class and Snape didn't have to guess who they were talking about. Hermione was making mad gestures to make them _just shut up, already_, but they ignored her.

What they didn't ignore was Snape's dangerous, "Care to share with the class?"

Oh, yeah. That shut them up. That plus a year's worth of detentions.

And, after Snape hexed Molly Weasley halfway to Bulgaria, Harry was seriously considering spending the summer with his dear aunt and uncle.

_

* * *

_

#30- I am not allowed to add 'That's what she said' to the end of Snape's every sentence.

Harry had the unfortunate honor of having to run a note from Professor McGonnagal down to Professor Snape in the dungeons.

What's more, he had to run down during the Slytherin/Gryffindor first year class. That meant that, just because he could, he would give Harry a pop quiz on potion making so he could either A.) embarrass him in front of the First Years, or B.) show the First Years what a great teacher he was, since he was such a big dunderhead, if he actually managed to get a couple right. Needless to say, it was a loose-loose situation.

When he tried to explain his reasoning to McGonnagal, however, he did not get satisfactory results. "Oh, he can't hate you _that_ much." But she refused to look in his eyes, so that must mean _something._

So, as he opened the door to the Potions classroom, Snape was saying, "You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potion-making." He said it in the exact same voice he used in Harry's First Year.

_Guess he doesn't change it too much. _He thought to himself as he walked in. Snape, however, did not notice him and continued.

"As there is little foolish wand-waving here, many of you will hardly believe this is magic."

_I wonder if he practices this speech in front of a mirror._ Harry mused in his mind.

"I don't expect you to really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron, with it's shimmering fumes-"

At that, he was cut off by Harry 'The-Boy-Who-Wasn't-Going-To-Be-Living-Much-Longer' Potter with a snort and a loud, crude "That's what she said," directed at him.

He immediately turned to him and said, "Anything you'd like to add, Mr. Potter?"

"Oh, no. Minnie just wanted me to send you a message." Snape didn't even blink at the nickname, which almost surprised Harry, except then he remembered that if Snape wasn't so damn scary, he would probably be the single coolest person at Hogwarts. I mean, he turned everyone onto South Park, which was quickly becoming one of the most popular fads. As well, he's the only teacher that won't give detentions to Fred and George (even if it was just because of the fact that he was tired of giving them to them in the first place.). But, the scariness overrode that, as well as being Harry-Potter's-Arch-Nemesis-Next-To-Voldemort-And-Malfoy.

Snape, on the other hand just said, "Thank you, Potter." Which was strange in and of itself, because it was widely believed that the words 'thank you,' and 'Potter,' could not come out of Snape's mouth without the world first going insane. But, it got even stranger as Snape said, "Oh, and, Potter, don't use any crude sexual Muggle sayings in my presence or you will be failed before you can say 'bozoar.'"

"Of course, sir." Harry said.

And Harry kept his word. However, he did not resist telling every single person in the school to tell him, 'That's what she said.' He was lucky to get one sentence in without someone screaming it at him. Even the teachers. He often heard them muttering those dreaded four words at mealtimes while talking to him.

For once, something was worse then the rumors.

* * *

Thoughts?

Review!

Good night (or morning, or whenever you may be reading this. For me it's night, and I'm going to sleep.).

Thanks!


End file.
